yesterday

Can we talk about yesterday? It was a dead day for me. I was in the worst condition both physically and emotionally, especially emotionally. At work, i felt like laying on the floor and just staring at the ceiling, watching people walk by in slow motion with the corner of my eye, kinda like a movie scene where the subject is being completely unaware of his surroundings and just being absent minded. I came home and cooked spaghetti and as I was cooking my little brother was just yapping away, asking me questions, telling me about his day while getting his own snack from the fridge. I couldn't look him in the eyes, that cute face, i couldn't let him see me crying. I was crying. My throat was knotted. I felt like i couldn't breathe. I kept imaging myself as a mother, how i want it so bad now, now that it's not possible under the circumstances my body is in, all these freakin medications. I don't think i'll ever forget yesterday. Me cooking that spaghetti and my tears falling down my face, catching them with my hands before they hit the ground meat. When Mel came home we both ate (we always eat together, i love that) and i remember wrapping some noodles around my fork and loosing it, waterworks again. It really upset Mel. I know how he must feel seeing me like that, he's been seeing me cry every single day (give or take a couple "good" days here and there but for the most part almost every day)  for the last 6 months. He feels helpless. But God! He's been my freakin rock. I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER PERSON TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I swear, he's the best. THE BEST. He stays so positive, tells me WE'RE going to get through this, yet i fail him. There are days where i just get so frustrated that he gets mad to see that I want to give up. I told him yesterday that i was just so tired of dealing with this. Tired of popping pills everyday, dealing with the side effects etc etc. ugh! The other day Mel told me about this guy he saw on the street on a wheelchair, with no care in the world, smiling, making his way to his destination. He just made me smile, simulating this guy. I said i know where you're getting with this, i see patients with cancer everyday...etc...haha. I've said it before, i sucks to think of those worse off than me to make myself feel better or cheer  up.

Today was better. Although, i almost teared up listening to this song that came on by Scars on 45 called Insecurity. lovely song. Anyway, i laughed some at work today. Talked more. not that many negative thoughts. I was not absent minded on my drive home. I even had music on in the car. Yesterday i did not have music in the car. crazy. Can't wait for the day where I perk up/liven up and actually want to go out. Take a trip to NY and visit my friends. My friends. I miss them.

I gotta say, i'm doing great without Twitter, facebook and instagram. It feels good not to be tied up to your phone all the time. I do miss instragram but for right now, it's not an app on my phone, i don't need it, i don't want it, i don't want to see or know what is going on. I'd rather text.






Soundtrack to this post:
Scars on 45- self titled record