yesterday

Can we talk about yesterday? It was a dead day for me. I was in the worst condition both physically and emotionally, especially emotionally. At work, i felt like laying on the floor and just staring at the ceiling, watching people walk by in slow motion with the corner of my eye, kinda like a movie scene where the subject is being completely unaware of his surroundings and just being absent minded. I came home and cooked spaghetti and as I was cooking my little brother was just yapping away, asking me questions, telling me about his day while getting his own snack from the fridge. I couldn't look him in the eyes, that cute face, i couldn't let him see me crying. I was crying. My throat was knotted. I felt like i couldn't breathe. I kept imaging myself as a mother, how i want it so bad now, now that it's not possible under the circumstances my body is in, all these freakin medications. I don't think i'll ever forget yesterday. Me cooking that spaghetti and my tears falling down my face, catching them with my hands before they hit the ground meat. When Mel came home we both ate (we always eat together, i love that) and i remember wrapping some noodles around my fork and loosing it, waterworks again. It really upset Mel. I know how he must feel seeing me like that, he's been seeing me cry every single day (give or take a couple "good" days here and there but for the most part almost every day)  for the last 6 months. He feels helpless. But God! He's been my freakin rock. I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER PERSON TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I swear, he's the best. THE BEST. He stays so positive, tells me WE'RE going to get through this, yet i fail him. There are days where i just get so frustrated that he gets mad to see that I want to give up. I told him yesterday that i was just so tired of dealing with this. Tired of popping pills everyday, dealing with the side effects etc etc. ugh! The other day Mel told me about this guy he saw on the street on a wheelchair, with no care in the world, smiling, making his way to his destination. He just made me smile, simulating this guy. I said i know where you're getting with this, i see patients with cancer everyday...etc...haha. I've said it before, i sucks to think of those worse off than me to make myself feel better or cheer  up.

Today was better. Although, i almost teared up listening to this song that came on by Scars on 45 called Insecurity. lovely song. Anyway, i laughed some at work today. Talked more. not that many negative thoughts. I was not absent minded on my drive home. I even had music on in the car. Yesterday i did not have music in the car. crazy. Can't wait for the day where I perk up/liven up and actually want to go out. Take a trip to NY and visit my friends. My friends. I miss them.

I gotta say, i'm doing great without Twitter, facebook and instagram. It feels good not to be tied up to your phone all the time. I do miss instragram but for right now, it's not an app on my phone, i don't need it, i don't want it, i don't want to see or know what is going on. I'd rather text.






Soundtrack to this post:
Scars on 45- self titled record

Barely Breathing

I found the Glee version of this classic that I like called Barely Breathing by Duncan Sheik. I was singing it on my way inside the house coming back from a dinner at Eggspectation. It sort of describes how i've felt today. Barely breathing. So much on my mind...going back the same thing. Jesus, I don't know what or how i would react if i had cancer. If what I have now is detrimental to me then i would literally want to disappear from the face of the earth if i had cancer. It sucks that I have to think of those people that are dying of cancer to make myself feel better. Sometimes, not even that helps. When you're in physical pain it's hard to think positive. It's hard to think that everything's "going to be ok." It's hard to think you're ever going to feel normal again. If i've learned anything from this is not to take your health for granted. I think i'm done being "healthy". At 24. Young as can be and i'm struggling. I don't even have kids yet. It's going to be make THAT process even harder for me. I should've never waited. That really hurts. Mel's spent almost 9 years making me happy and the ONE THING that I can give in return to make his life complete I can't (at the moment) give to him as easily as when I didn't have this. COME ON FAITH! where are you!?

Yesterday was Odaimi's quince. It was really nice. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in years. It's nice but at the same time overwhelming. It can get pretty awkward. I'm a shy person so most of the time I just smile and mumble "hey" under my breath. I was really happy to see my girl Meli and even sat down to chat. I wanted to tell her everything I've been going through these past 6 months but it just wasn't the right time or the right place. I think it would kind of be a relief telling someone else about it other than Mel but then again i don't want people feeling sorry for me.

Jesus Culture

The gloomy Sunday rolled over to a gloomy Monday, although, overall, the day was pretty nice- fall weather with some sunshine. I would like to remind myself that i'm currently battling with a disease that is at the moment winning. My faith is down, my attitude is all negative, my thoughts are all but optimistic. However, i'm working on it. My body needs to fight this somehow. I came home today and practically balled up in Mel's arms. He'd written me some words of encouragement on our mini dry erase board. When I read it I broke down. I've had so much bottled up inside that my eyes poofed in a matter of seconds. My heart was beating so fast and hard. My forehead felt so hot. I couldn't concentrate at work. I was slow. I didn't feel like doing anything. I had to put on a fake smile. I just wasn't myself. The prednisone i'm on has a lot to do with it, i'm almost sure. Depression is one of its side effects.  I was there, laying with him, my tears falling on his shirt, my eyeliner rubbing off on his shirt. Jesus Culture playing on the apple tv. I've been praying a lot lately (of course, we all tend to go to Him when we're in need) and reading bible verses. If me being sick has brought out some good is that my relationship with God is going to get stronger. I've fallen from His path but never completely.

This picture represents how i've been feeling lately. Not intended to be suicidal or anything like that. I took this picture with my iPhone on Saturday, Oct 12, while at Kings Dominion. When I saw it I completely related.

Soundtrack to this post:

Consumed by Jesus Culture, the entire album.

Gloomy Sundays

It's a gloomy one today. Perfect day to change around your blog name. I'm really indecisive when it comes to picking a perfect name for something like this. First I was CinCity. But then I thought that's not really me. Then I was Limon y Sal, what the hell was that?  I don't even know. Alls I know is that it's a song by Julieta Venegas :) But now, lady's and gent, imaginary ladies and gent because i don't think there is anyone out there seeing this, I'm Heart Of Leon. Fits like a glove. My last name is Leon. Heart of Leon really represents who I've become since I got married. I've learned to love like my husband who has the BIGGEST heart of anyone I know. But I've also become stronger than ever, especially this year, 2013, where i've gone through a difficult time. The heart of a leon (meaning my new family) is a strong and loving one- better than the heart of a Quijada. Can I throw in there that my favorite band of all time is Kings of Leon. hehe. so there, fits like a glove. This blog all started not because I want people to know my stories or my whereabouts, but it started all for me. I'm doing this for myself. I want to be able to remember little things (like what I rambled about on October 13, 2013) to big things like when i have my first child.

p.s: i hate feet. They freak me out.

Sountrack to this post:

Last Night- The Strokes

Young Folks- Peter Bjorn and John

My Mind is Ramblin- The Black Keys (perfect song to come on for this moment)

I will wait- Mumford and Sons

You've got Yr. Cherry Bomb- Spoon